I mean I want that so you aren’t so upset. But it’s very scary

I dont know this is why i feel helpless now, if at least we were on the same page with this and I could come to you for support might have felt easier I just feel so alone in this. I cant even come to you cause you dont want that and it gets me angry when you tell me im sorry I wish you were pregnant when I k ow you didnt want that. I dont know how to continue be happy around you i feel as well im calmer when you aren't home.

OK so what now other than apologise am I supposed to do? And I still don’t want to go through the treatment again…

Yeah my tone is terrible I notice that. But its because im irritable ans unhappy and i am angry with you yes, and comes out on the little things. But underneath it is the lack of connection between us. The lack of intimacy the disagreement on having a baby. I get so frustrated about you postponing things making me take hormones then postponing thinking maybe if I tried earlier my body would have accepted the embryos better or I would have had more time. Then angry with myself for letting that happen then angry that im being unfair its a big circle I can't explain im angry at everything.

I mean, I don’t want to be horrible, but it really brings me down a lot, not all the time, but much of the time, just being around you at the moment

I mean everything, I don’t know, just the general tone

I havent been in ages

When was I upset about dishwasher?

So why do you get so upset about them?

Exactly I dont even care aboit those things anymore, there are much bigger things to resolve.

But i cant be happy. My fear is i will end up even more anxious and miserable for the rest of my life. And then even blame myself for it and feel even worse.. i feel so happy and upbit when treatment starts ever time its unreal the difference.

I mean, I forgot to do this or that, dishwasher or something else, so what, it’s not the biggest problem in front of us that the dishwasher wasn’t run…should I just say that??

OK and if I don’t apologise?

Come on, thats why i said follow the guy. That blank apology is so fake and pointless. Who benefits from that, you just act like the victim it seems. Its very irritating. You do it to make yourself feel better it feels I apologised you cant be angry now. What difference does that make to me?

Anna would benefit from a sibling. But a healthy and happy, present mummy is even more important in my eyes

The stillbirth nearly finished you off

But I know I am scared as well, im not oblivious to that fact im old who knows how my perimenopausal body will cope with that, plus sleepless nights..but I am still willing its stronger you dont get it.

When I feel like I have to apologise all day every time for literally everything and still

But it’s not my fault that it happened. And I seem to take all the blame. It’s really hard

Its a big desire, and as chatgpt says you might feel great relief and sense of accomplishment knowing youve got the family you wanted and seeing you daughter despite tbe struggles with babies.

I know

I think it will. Its all I see everywhere I go these siblings playing together, anna looking at them. Ive imagined having that for so long anna looking after baby, teaching it everything. Its so heartbreaking to watch her do that with pinky. When it should have been a real.baby.

I just don’t know what is so bad about life for you. And having another baby, I’m not convinced that it will make you happier

When I cant have the one thing I wanted. And its out of my control.

I am like this because Im having a big fear about the future, I will get through it one way or another. But I know I wont be happy when im not having the life I want even if I look normal to the outside world.

It is almost inconceivable that stillbirth would not cause depression

But I think that applies to you

There is always a trigger for it, whether environmental, drugs, or medical like bad wiring in the brain...to me depression is if it interferes with day to day life if you cant function, do the basics like go to work, clean eat look after yourself and your dependants. Sadness and disappointment with life can be there for your whole life for various reasons, its how you deal with it.

Yes of course. I see.

Maybe. But as I say. It comes from circumstances, not just being mental

Well you cant say you arent when you are on meds, I mean you feel better but its because of meds. Its managed depression really

Circumstances are a lot and they convinced me taking sertraline is an effective way to keep clear headed. And it works

And not in a clinical way, I.e. just mental

I don’t think I’m depressed now

I don’t know if you call it clinical depression vs …? I don’t know, situational or environmental

That is exactly what they said to me

She asked about talking therapies I said ive done it but doesnt really help, I just want my problems resolved.

Well she didnt ask me to complete one.

I mean they recognise ive been through a lot, she said it herself, its always the same..im so sorry you have a lot going on, one of those things would be enough to make you struggle never mind all these things at once..

Depression is diagnosed with a questionnaire

Da

It seems they dont really diagnose depression they just offer you if you want it.

It’s really good though :)

Ok

Well we didnt discuss it much she just said do you want to be on medication I said no. She said ok. That was it.

What about depression

I really think hormones affect me a lot, yes I have real problems but how I react to them is so inconsistent, the mood swings, irritability..sometimes it even comes on suddenly when ive been ok and ill snap for no reason.

Its all hormones and mental state. She says they can put me on hrt but I dont know, depends on fertility treatment

Good

Yeah bloods were normal